film script 3



by Geoffrey Reed

Conceived as a musical fantasy (blending fact and fiction), ‘Let’s Clone Cliff’ tells the story of a group of geriatrics who live at an old peoples home through the medium of Sir Cliff Richards music.

Having witnessed the ‘Clapham Riots’ in 2011, when children (some as young as 14) run amok, ransacking the High Street for tee-shirts and trainers, the pensioners ask: ‘What has happened to today’s ‘yoof’ in only two generations? Because when they were young and even though they didn’t have any food on their plates and they would never dream of committing a smash and grab, less alone riot.

After discussing this, they conclude that it’s because Christianity has been taken out of the school curriculum then children are running wild and our once civilised society is now boarding on anarchy.

So in an effort to address this they pool their pensions and buy an old Double Decker bus and set off to Portugal where Cliff Richard now live with the intention of cloning him and restoring the natural balance of the world. What could possibly go wrong?

BACKGROUND (Cliff Richard)
A road trip, musical fantasy. Featuring the back catalogue of Sir Cliff Richard. The 72 year old king of pop first entered the charts in 1958 with ‘Move it!’ and has since, knocked out over 120 singles, albums and EPs and spent an incredible 1177 weeks in the Top 75 (including 14 no. 1 singles and 7 No. 1 albums) – which is sizably more than any other British recording artist. Ever.

A scientific term for making an exact biological copy of living things (including people).

Whilst watching the London riots on television, a group of pensioners at an old peoples home conclude that both their so called ‘carer’s’ (who took the word ‘care’ out of carer) and the ‘yoof’ of today have gone to the dogs and that the only thing that can save them and future generations from the forces of darkness is to return to our Christian heritage.

Problem is Christianity isn’t taught in school and nobody goes to Church anymore. So, they propose to find a perfect roll model, (somebody who hasn’t been tainted by the ‘Evil One’) and clone him, before letting ‘him/them’ loose to influence the country by their actions, for the forces of good.

After careful consideration and debate one of the residents has a revelation and shouts out ‘I know, ‘Let’s Clone Cliff!’

So with him in mind, they pool their pensions and buy a double decker bus and set off on the greatest Summer Holiday of all time to Cliff’s Portuguese hideaway, with the intention of ‘discreetly’ extracting a copy of his DNA for reproductive purposes. Which means of course, that everything will not go to plan. I quote:

"It is the nature of men to make monsters, and it is the nature of monsters to destroy their makers"
Dr. Harlan Wade

The film is an allegory of faith and the journey the pensioners take is in fact a path to enlightenment, redemption and peace as the characters reveal their failings. Think:  John Bunyan’s ‘Pilgrim’s Progress’, meets ‘The Wizard of Oz’, meets Summer Holiday.

Scene 1. Mount Dew Care Home for the Elderly:
It’s a Wednesday afternoon at ‘Mount Dew, Care Home for the Elderly’ and matron has booked ‘Cliff. . . As if’, a look-a-like, sound-a-like tribute act.

CLIFF AS IF (hiding behind a curtain)
“Good afternoon ladies and gentleman and welcome to our Wednesday afternoon entertainment. This week’s guest singer is just like you. He’s been around since the fifties and he’s still here. He first entered the charts in 1958 with ‘Move it!’ which he quickly followed with over 120 singles, albums and EPs – vastly more than any other recording artist. Please give a big welcome to the man who has found the secret of eternal youth. . . The Young One, who live’s a never ending Summer Holiday, the eternal Bachelor Boy himself. Please give it up for. . . ‘Cliffffffffffff. . . As if’.

Camera defines the irony of ‘Cliff. . . As if’s’ high energy, hip swiveling routine, compared to the Zimmer frame clinging grannies and wheel chaired bound granddads, sitting in front. Overlaid to a classic Cliff Richard track (film as a dance routine or pop video?):

Cliff Richard - The Young Ones - 1962

The Young ones
Darling we’re the young ones,
And young ones shouldn’t be afraid
To live love,
While the flame is strong,
For we won’t be the young ones very long. etc.

Scene 1. Day Room:
After ‘Cliff. . . As if’ has finishes his performance, the residents retire to the Day Room for tea. The news is on the telly and they watch with horror as gangs of ‘youth’s smash up the high street around the corner from where they are living.

That was great fun, I wish I had a boy like that, he’s such a credit to his mum. Now (Old Lady 2) what are we having for tea. Tea consists of apple pie and custard. It’s being served up by husband and wife caterers Stan and Irene Codrington. As Doris goes past Irene is heard to say to her husband: ‘Stan, Stan. I can’t do it Stan, I can’t serve custard for the rest of my life’. Stan looks at her in disbelief and says sternly ‘Just get on with it!’

Scene 2. Cut to the pensioners sitting in their chairs watching the news on TV:

Here, Ethyl, would you look at this? There’s a riot going on down the road.

A riot. What on earth are they rioting about?

Search me. Nobody seems to know.

Apparently they haven’t got any clothes.

Why haven’t they got any cloths?

I don’t know but the presenter said they were stealing t.shirts and training shoes!

Scene 3. Real news footage on television:

Look they’ve set fire to Mr. ?’s business.

He’s being running that place since ????

My Alf bought our first first three piece suit off his father, Mr ?.

Scene 4. Real news footage from the riot on television:

When I was their age, sometimes we didn’t get fed for days. We were starving, but we would never steal food. And certainly not a t-shirt.

Look at that. . . They’re doing more damage than Hitler!

What’s he doing?

See there are still some good youths around, he’s helping that poor lad up.

No, he’s not.

The little what-set, he’s pinching that computer out of his bag.

Nurse Scratchit
Right you lot, stop your chatter. Get back to your rooms now, or they’ll be no breakfast for any of you in the morning.

She’s a bit brisk, don’t you think?

I heard she told Miss Reynolds off the other day, for asking for a arrowroot biscuit to go with her tea.

Who took the word ‘care’ out of care home, that’s what I want to know?

They want stringing up, they do?

Or a good thrashing with the birch.

I’m sorry, I can’t agree with that. Violence only begets violence. There must be another way?

I agree. Beating somebody up will never sort out there anger issues. It just breeds more resentment. Their must be another way. . . a better way?


Well regardless of that. I was on the bus the other day remember and I asked if anybody would like to stand up for an old lady but everybody pretended they couldn’t hear me and in the end nobody offered her a seat.

Show an image of her asking, but (unknown to her) everybody on the tube ‘zoned-out’ and unable to hear her because they all have their ear phones on!

Etc, etc, etc.

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